The Stupid Things I've Done

ingridh @ 2008-05-04T23:17:00

2008-05-05T06:17:50Z

THE ONLY ANIMAL

The only animal that commits suicide
went for a walk in the park,
basked on a hard bench
in the first star,
traveled to the edge of space
in an armchair
while company quietly
talked, and abruptly
returned,
the room empty

The only animal that cries,
that takes off its clothes
and reports to the mirror, the one
and only animal
that brushes its own teeth?

somewhere
the only animal that smokes a cigarette,
that lies down and flies backward in time,
that rises and walks to a book
and looks up a word
heard the telephone ringing
in the darkness downstairs and decided
to answer no more.

And I understand,
too well: how many times
have I made the decision to dwell
from now on
in the hour of my death
(the space I took up here
scarlessly closing like water)
and said I'm never coming back,
and yet

this morning
I stood once again
in this world,
the garden
ark and vacant
tomb of what
I can't imagine,
between twin eternities,
some sort of wings,
more or less equidistantly
exiled from both,
hovering in the dreaming called
being awake, where
You gave me
in secret one thing
to perceive, the
tall blue starry
strangeness of being
here at all.

You gave us each in secret one thing to perceive.

Furless now, upright, My banished
and experimental
child

You said, though your own heart condemn you

I do not condemn you.

---Franz Wright

here's a story for you

2008-02-07T09:07:23Z

THE WOMAN WHO DISCOVERED PANTS

Once upon a time there was a woman who lived in a kingdom of plenty. Plenty of water to drink, plenty of sunshine to soak, plenty of fish in the sea to fish. And plenty of cloth to cover their loins.

The people of her village began to try to one – up each other with the greatest skirts, skirts and robes of such volume as they had to knock out wider doors just to get out of the house. This fad grew and grew, until the king’s skirts were bigger around than he was tall, and so heavy that his horse fell flat and died.

And those were the hazards of voluminious skirts. But there were positive sides, too. Skirts wound around the waist and were open at the bottom, which meant easy access to your pee pee when you had to go, or when you were itchy, or even when you wanted to get busy.

But, said the woman who lived in the village, there is so much skirt here that I’ll fall off my horse from the girth, or drown in the river of the weight, or be stuck in my house for the bulk, I’ll never fit through my door! And sure it’s great if you’re itchy, or when you have to go, but if I DON’T want to get busy there’s nothing to stop someone! And my pee pee gets draughty! And my horses are dying from the weight!

So she stayed up all night, one night, wearing nothing but her skin, and she thought.

And when morning came, she had created pants.

Look! She said to her mother as she walked in for breakfast. Pants!

But her mother took one look her legs and fainted into her poached eggs. Ker- splat.

So she went to the stable.

Look! She said to the stablehand. I call them pants !

But the stablehand took one look at her legs and fainted into a pile of horse dung. Ker-splat.

So she saddled her horse, (which was much the lighter for having no swath of skirts,) and she rode to the butchers.

But the butcher took one look at her legs and fainted into the vat of ground beef. Ker splat.

Then she got stoned to death for wearing pants.

But her grandchildren’s grandchildren grew up in a world of pants, and no horses.
Actually their horses were made of steel. And they lived in a land of plenty, although there were no longer plenty of fish in the sea but plenty of garbage, and there was no longer plenty of water to drink but plenty of poisen.

And though they had plenty of sun to soak they all got cancerous sunburns.

The End.

ingridh @ 2007-10-04T23:31:00

2007-10-05T06:32:23Z

to walker, welder, dkeith and neal facey

Hi!

I was biking home today and for some reason I felt the need to give a shout out to some of the teachers who really meant a lot to me, and let you know how I'm doing, and see what you're up to! And to say thank you for being so awesome. And for encouraging us to be creative, to be random, to be free.

I'm in my 4th year at UVIC now studying theatre. I've been in a whole crapload of shows here, but most recently I started my own dance theatre company (called SNAFU Dance Theatre) and we've created three shows thus far. Our most recent show, BLiNK, we performed outdoors and won a Pic of the Fringe award, and 4 stars from monday magazine! We also even made a little bit of money, which is awesome.

I worked with kids all summer, with theatre camps and science camp, and I got a taste of how incredibly CHALLENGING (and fun) it is to be a teacher.

so

THANKS.

I had fun . Hope to see you all again someday, hopefully soon.

And what are you up to?

Love

Ingi

Cooolest

2007-10-03T08:09:15Z

dreams

ever

knotty spined 40 year old thin woman with her skin hanging off of her bones, just a little bit

camping on a remote, tropical ish beach full of treacherous animals / bugs

but she was REALLY chill about it.

THEN

Cut to nature show complete with british person (because everyone british sounds smarter than you) narrating a giant mutated shark chasing after a smaller mutated fish, swimming

swimming
swirling
back

and forth

then NAB! chomp the fish

and into a pointy funnel shaped rock crevice

and POOH~! spit out the fish

and the pressure forces all the tiny sea bug and mini fish and crustaceans and mites to SHOOT out the hole in the rock at the water's surface and SPRAY all over the beach!

So now the lady is hanging out on a beach covered in bugs.

but that's cool, she says. I'll just watch my step.

And sunburned, with sand in her vagina, she picks her way back to her sleeping platform.

I also had a dream i could travel through time. Miark, you would be jealous.

ANd that i could bike with no handS AND no butt. . .. standing up. ANd fly. And a cute boy was in my dream.

wow, bragging.

But there was a schoolbus full of children, and i was twelve, and they were mostly younger than me. the bus driver was going to let us off at a street covered in children wearing bright colored shirts who wanted to beat us up (we were wearing white t shirts. .. kids gangs have awful means of insignia) so we asked the bus driver to go to boston pizza instead. So he did.

looking back on this, they weren't the COOLEst dreams ever. but they did feel really vivid at the time.

time to have some more. Zzzs. mmmmm.

v for vendetta

2006-09-01T23:34:47Z

How i can change the world:

1. not being afraid, in social situations or other, but being confident and inspiring joy and confidence in others so that they can feel stronger and more able to help people to change the world
Dont shrink so that others don't feel small around you

2. Encouraging communication by breaking down boundaries and opening discussion on all topics

3. Creating propaganda! Using lies to tell the truth, or an exaggerated version of it.

Waking people up is more difficult in our society, saturated with flashy entertainment, lulled by complacency and full of manufactured daily stresses, distractions, compulsions and amusions.

4. working WITH other people, groups, etc. Why create it new when the organisation already exists, and they can probably do it better? Stick to your specialisation but integrate, learn from eachother and work together.

5. Find creative ways to aquire funds and also go with as little funds as possible.
This opens up more time to be spent on world changing and self improvement, as well as spending less/ using less means i support the huge world crushing organisations less, pollute less, etc etc etc

6. Strengthening my own skills, knowledge, including personal communication, (LISTENING!!!) time management, organisation, dedication, focus, and my skills as a performer/theatre artist/creator of propaganda

7. Listening listening listening.

to learn about people, about what's going on, to discover new ways to convince people to
WAKE UP
SAVE THEMSELVES FROM
obesity, pollution, hatred, fear, suffocation, ignorance, mental, physical and spiritual poisening.

----------
Pity is a useless and stagnant emotion.
It suggests no action.

Empathy is different.

------------------

Are charaties only a band-aid? what's the point of helping while the hurt still continues? Why don't we target the source?

What is the source?

--------------
We need to tap into the power of the consumer.

Think of how much money you earn and spend each year. Have you ever tallied it up? I spend 12000/ school year, (summer not included,) and when you subtract tuition that's more like 7-8000. I bet lots of people spend more. Where and how you spend it does make a difference, you are fueling those companies, those wars for oil, with your consumer need.

HOw much of what you buy actually improves your overall happiness/ quality of life?

-----------

Think of all the interesting / fabulous people you know. Not often enough do I ask them what they're thinking, what they want in life, how they want to change the world.

I'm curious.

Jellicle smellicle

2006-08-26T08:25:46Z

Jellicles can and jellicles do...smell like ass.

Not ONLY do i eat more fruit than any fruitbat and have the worst gas on the planet, BUT our cats spandecle suits (with hot and sweaty faux fur toques, shrugs, armybands, sweaters etc.)

CANNOT BE CLEANED

or washed

or drycleaned. (because they're spraypainted and jiffy markered.)

NOpe, they're just sprayed with Vodka in hopes of slight de-stenchification.

You can smell us from the third row. No joke, someone in the audience actually told me they could smell us.

"Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, sme lll y cat, It's not your fault!"

(Smelly smelly smelly smelly BAD smelly cat,)

. . . . . . . .

the night we lost c

2006-08-26T08:21:43Z

HIlarious.

Well, a few days later.

At the time he was imagined in a cold dark ditch unconcious, but anyways..........

Driving home with the vernon girls and drunken CC, C MUST stop at Macs for a sugar high so hahaha, we move the car around the corner to hide.

3 minutes later, no Chris. Convenience store empty except for confused unhelpful clerk. "You see a tall skinny black guy leave here? Drunk? with candy perhaps?"

"No he wasn't black."

ummm...

"short hair,tall, skinny??" (the only person who has BEEN in here in the last 2 hours? THAT guy?)

ClerK: "Yes, he went that way" *towards lake, opposite direction of the CC's home and comfort.

So we drive up and down klo. Nope. We walk and search. Nope. Drive KLO again. Nope. Drive to Matt's, I sneak in his basement door ( unlocked ) i remove my danish clogs and ninja style in the dark I knock on bedroom door. "MAAAAAAAAATTTTTT"

repeat several times.

Matt's brother answers: matt actually sleeps upstairs in the loft...

Ninja style up the stairs and then ladder into the mattloft. Shake matt. CHRIS IS LOST!

"CHRIS IS LOST?"

Small fluff dogs bark and wake the whole house. Matt gets his car and joins our C search. I drive to C's house to check....ninja circle the house, not in bedroom, no other lights on in house.... check my house, NOPE. OK HE's DEAD.

Almost an hour and a HALF after the initial loss of Chris I decide its time to phone the C mom....if Chris is dead or frozen under a bush somewhere she should be the first to know.

Casual: Hi is CC there?
m; i think so
Can you check?

He was passed out in the tv room in the dark. Turns out he saw us hiding, decided to hide in some bushes and then walk home because it would be funny.

ingridh @ 2006-08-12T11:37:00

2006-08-12T18:39:19Z

http://www.dynamotheatre.qc.ca/en/index.html

this is what i want to be.

BUT I NO SPEAKA GOOD FRENCH!

Damn my parents for not placing my young brain in french immersion!!!

"Based in Montreal, DynamO Théâtre is an internationally renowned theatre company whose work focuses on developing, producing and performing Theatre of Acrobatic Movement productions."

"For 2006-2007, the auditions will focus on finding candidates able to take part in the on-going training program. This program will begin in September 2006 and end in April 2007 on a weekly basis. Included are 2 acrobatic training sessions, one physical acting workshop (30 hours) and one clowning workshop (30 hours). "

"Auditions are held in Montreal. They begin at 9:00 a.m. and end at 4:00 p.m.
The audition session is divided in two parts: the first part targets the candidates’ gymnastic or acrobatic skills and the second part focuses on their acting skills.

Candidates need a good understanding of the French language as the company works in French.

Following the auditions, the artistic directors may offer a place in the on-going training program to some candidates."

ingridh @ 2006-05-01T13:48:00

2006-05-01T20:49:10Z

i'm in kelowna until may 6

where is alicia?

ingridh @ 2006-02-13T13:37:00

2006-02-13T21:32:44Z

I miss miark wells.

A Blustery night

2006-01-30T04:00:32Z

This friday, sopranos karaoke bar for scotty's birthday. SOO Much fun, a fat grey haired middle aged guy in black shades named "Noodles" sang MIB but didn't know any of the words to the rap. I danced my cares away in the throngs of people.

Leaving it was the windiest night EVER. .. . stoplights swinging around everywhere and cold as heck.

Graham, Kholby, maddie and I ran down to the street corner to try and steal a cab. Finally we hailed one and it pulled over across the intersection from us. We ran across and got in. The cab drove about 2 blocks when>. . .

I pat my pockets and start to freak out. Where's my cell phone? IT FELL OUT OF MY POCKET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION!

The cabbie burns around the corner and goes around the block. Maddie calls my phone to make sure it's not in the cab. We come to the intersection and are coming up behind us so the cabbie pulls over. I open my door to step out and slam it back shut again just in time to avoid it being ripped off by a flying ambulance. Graham pops out of the other side of the cab. The ambulance zooms towards the intersection. My cell phone lies directly in its path, naively ringing 'La vi da loca.' If only it knew of the doom that was hurtling towards it.

The ambulance hurtles into the intersection . . . closer. . .closer. . . closer.. . .

and . ..

Left turn! it misses my phone by 2 inches. Graham runs in and picks it up, it's still ringing like an oblivious idiot, and he jumps back into the cab and off we go.

"we will wear you out, livin la vi-da-lo-ca"

wheee email to pay rentals

2006-01-09T02:48:51Z

my computer will be fixed TONIGHT!!!!! finally.

stuff is good, dont worry about forgetting the bladder thing, tis fine. I'm making a point of eating more meat / protien this term. had an egg for breakfast and salmon for dinner. have spend nearly 200 dollars on groceries already!! Some of which was Bean food, and a lot just stocking up. . . . .chicken and salmon in the frig, yum yum yum.

the toaster oven works brilliantly!! it has a little tray in it and i'm using it to bake fish. yeeeeeeeah!

rehearsals are going well, this only-one-day-off-a-week thing is going to kill me. no it wont.

and i'm accepting into both new classes i tried to get into ( i did two in case i didnt get one, and now i dont know which one i want, but will try them both for 2 more days and then drop one and buy my textbooks)

so yay! no worries there.

and i found chaptersindigo sells all my new theatre text books for loads cheaper than the bookstore, and shipping of big orders (as mine will be ) is FREE! gotta order them tonight on my mastercard.

and the sick is on its' way out. mmm mmm good.

i nearly choked on a fisherman's friends lozenge today but i swallowed it and survived. i thought i was goign to have to give myself the heimlich. will call bean tonight and ask her about the flight ot edmonton date.

love

ingi

ingridh @ 2005-08-17T11:39:00

2005-08-17T09:39:44Z

this picture looks like shit after the alterations

found full edition via uvic libraries gateway!!

2005-08-05T21:51:57Z

(Copyright The Province 2005)
YOU WERE THERE: Seven-hour layover in Amersterdam a real eye- opener

During a seven-hour stopover in Amsterdam on my way to Kobenhavn (the Danish spelling for Copenhagen), I decided to do my favourite thing: fly by the seat of my pants.

I hopped on the next train from Schiphol airport to Amsterdam Central for only 3.40 ($5 Cdn), which was great because I only had 15 Euros to my name.

The airline food on KLM Royal Dutch Airlines was edible but hardly nourishing so mission No. 1 was to forage for food.

Finding breakfast at 7:30 a.m. was a little difficult; everything was closed. When I got off the train I simply began to wander . . . into the seediest part of town.

I was charmed by the narrow cobblestone streets, rows upon rows of parked bicycles and rounded bridges over the murky canals until I wandered gradually farther from food.

I saw more and more places selling sex and fewer selling croissants.

After being leered at by some random men in the deserted streets and peeking into a plethora of seedy-looking bars and pubs, I found a deserted cafe in a side alley and ordered a pankake. Apparently in Dutch that's a stale baguette sandwich.

I glared enviously at the Americans sitting next to me who ordered something that involved bananas fried in sugar.

There are oodles of shops along the main drag, all peddling the same miniature windmills and wooden shoes. In some of the shops you might have difficulty finding a postcard that doesn't have naked people on it. I managed to find one with a windmill -- safe to send back home to Canada.

The shopkeepers in Amsterdam are very friendly. One young man with weird hair offered to hug and kiss me as a welcome to his city. When I politely declined, he asked me sarcastically, "What, are you married or something?"

"Yes, yes I am," I lied.

I quickly left that store and avoided it like the plague.

If you sport blond hair, hide your camera and carry a purse instead of a fanny pack. Shopkeepers might actually mistake you for a local shopping for breakfast when you inquire about their strange marijuana tea.

They sell marijuana products openly anywhere, along with "Grow your Own Cannabis" kits and "Cannabis Cookies" -- a nutritious start to any day.

I found the symbols of Holland bland and outdated. No one was actually wearing wooden shoes -- although I did see some cute fuzzy slippers shaped like clogs -- and I couldn't find any classic windmills that weren't key chains or salt shakers.

What I did see was an openness in regards to all aspects of life, including sex, drugs, and random people wanting to kiss you. Though perhaps that wouldn't make a very marketable merchandising symbol for Amsterdam.

-- Ingrid Hansen, Kelowna

[Illustration]
Colour Photo: Jason Payne, Province File Photo / Amsterdam is a great city to vist -- even on a layover on your way to other European destinations.

http://proquest.umi.com.ezproxy.library.uvic.ca/pqdweb?did=872300171&sid=1&Fmt=3&clientId=3916&RQT=309&VName=PQD

Wheee! Screw acting, I'm being a journalist!

Yeee-haw news archives!!

2005-08-05T21:49:01Z

The art of flying by the seat of the pants: YOU WERE THERE: Seven-hour layover in Amersterdam a real eye-opener

During a seven-hour stopover in Amsterdam on my way to Kobenhavn (the Danish spelling for Copenhagen), I decided to do my favourite thing: fly by the seat of my pants. I hopped on the next train...
Byline: Ingrid Hansen, Source: Special to The Province
Page: D4, Edition: Final
$4.75 - The Province - Sun, Jul 24, 2005 - 466 words

DIE DIE DIE DIE

2005-07-27T20:37:50Z

kill me now kill me now KILL ME NOW

just missed gilmore girls

for the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW

its not like i was busy!

9PM, WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET?

sigh.

sad.

i missed half the season and i'm so out of touch. rory could have joined a cult and lorelia turned omish by now for all I know.

but dont tell me whats happening, that doesnt help.

I hate american movies with bad gaping mouth actors trying to find the declaration of independence.

DIE

tempted to buy extravagant amounts of petrified tree sap

2005-07-27T20:20:50Z

MWHAHHAHAHAHHAHA

Became giddy in amber store today, and bought a ring with magical powers, and have been using it to guide the forces of my life since. am so cool.

it looks like an orb.

amber is the danish equivalent of viking bling bling.

blue man group berlin

2005-07-22T21:44:57Z

http://www.germany-tourism.de/e/music_land_musicals_23700.html

For further information and contact:
Theater am Potsdamer Platz
Marlene-Dietrich-Platz 1
10785 Berlin
Internet: www.stageholding.de
Tickets:
0 18 05 / 44 44 (0,12€/Min.)
www.stageholding.de (German only)

wednesday mittwoch
thurs donnersdag

cheaper , 49 to 59 euros for bmg

berlin events

2005-07-22T15:10:08Z

http://www.whatsonwhen.com/events/event.asp?/events/~95965.jml

train ticket from keil to berlin, approx 67 eu
flensburg to berlin, 74 euros one way

ingridh @ 2005-07-22T16:54:00

2005-07-22T14:57:39Z

berlin travel

generator hostel book thru

http://www.the-generator.co.uk/berlin/berlin/berlin.html

10 euros for 14 bed shared room

14 euros for female only accomodations

rooms avail july 25. to 28

-FREE breakfast for everyone
-FREE bed linen and towel for everyone
-FREE luggage storage on arrival and departure
-FREE lockers in all dorm rooms

germy germy germans

2005-07-20T19:51:20Z

Bernauer Straße ---berlin wall memorial

Bernauer Straße 111
13355 Berlin-Wedding

Niederkirchnerstraße / Zimmerstraße'
The end of "Topography of Terror" in Niederkirchner Straße forms a 200 metre long section of the wall.

Checkpoint Charlie
The former border
¨

Why cant i paste pictures??

Row of cobblestones

The course of the wall has been marked with double rows of cobblestones on the ground throughout the city. A copper band with posts made of concrete is placed between the house of parliament and Martin-Gropius-Bau. Moreover, 16 information boards indicate the historic relevance of several locations

ingridh @ 2005-07-19T12:26:00

2005-07-19T10:26:58Z

goiled yesterday and made 370 DKK In 2 hours!!!!!!!! new world record!

ingridh @ 2005-07-16T15:15:00

2005-07-16T13:16:05Z

(need a credit card) . .. .fuck you visa

ingridh @ 2005-07-09T12:31:00

2005-07-09T10:49:32Z

SUD JUTLAND

have rye bread cake thats to die for. Full of whipped cream and jam. Since it's made with rye bread, you can pretend it's healthy and eat lots.

Drink all the time, close to germany, where beer is uber cheap.... cheaper than POP!

The young people are proud of the fact that they drink all the time. They boast about starting drinking at 14, and being able to drink massive amounts of alcohol without passing out.

Try to get you to drink massive amounts of alcohol too.

have names like Jens Jensen, and Hans Hansen.

when the wind blows from the east, go to the beaches on the west coast. and vice versa. for then it wont be cold and windy.

If you're travelling from canada, do like i do and bring the sunshine with you.

ingridh @ 2005-07-03T23:22:00

2005-07-03T21:27:14Z

i think i've realised what the fuck is wrong with me, and this trip to denmark:

i need to do stuff.

oh really, ingrid? what kind of stuff?

well, i'm here to learn danish, right?

Yes, yes I believe you are.

So, why not study it like a good little ~~catholic~~ atheist schoolgirl. My newest search will be for a book or good online source or some sort of textbook, like those crappy but colorful cartoon texts we used in high school french class, to use to study in my spare time.

because if I can talk, i wont feel so crazy-like. And I cant say anything interesting in danish unless i know some bloody words!

PS there's nothing wrong with the trip, its lovely, the country is lovely, the family is lovely, i go to the beach, to fairs, parades, watch the full monty on tv, decide to become and exotic dancer, and sleep in christians (lumpy) bed.